The Tale Of The Space Potatoes

I had a massive craving for instant mashed potatoes today. While making said potatoes,  I had the most random memory pop into my head… to the point where it made me cry because I was laughing so hard. So gather round, children, and let me regale you with…

THE TALE OF THE SPACE POTATOES. 

The year is 2004 and I’m 18. I’m engaged to a 25 year old youth pastor. I’m in the middle of my ~*~ReBeLlIoUs~*~ stage, so I rather enjoy drinking and smoking pot at this point. He does not, and it’s a major, reoccurring fight in our relationship.  It is almost my 19th birthday, when I will (legally) be able to buy alcohol, and we are planning a limo trip into the big city for a night of bar-hopping. We have to drop the deposit off in a town about 45 minutes away. I don’t have a vehicle, and he has no license, so his little sister is driving us. She likes smoking pot. Her and I smoke 2 or 3 joints on the way there. He starts asking me what I want for dinner when we get home.

Now, this is where I interject with the seemingly random, but important, detail that my mother calls instant mashed potatoes “space potatoes.”

Back to the story. So, at this moment, in my incredibly high state, all I can think of is motherfucking instant mashed potatoes. So he asks again, “Do you wanna grab pizza or something for dinner?” I’m disgusted by this thought, not because I dislike pizza, but because everything about him seems so abhorrent that I’m automatically turned off every suggestion he makes. (I never said it was a healthy relationship, okay?) So I was like, “NO. FUCK YOUR PIZZA.”  He asks again. “Sweetie, we need to eat when we get home. If you don’t want pizza, what do you want?” I look at him with insatiable cannabis-fueled hunger in my eyes, “I want space potatoes.”

This is the moment I realised that we would never work out.

“Space potatoes? What the hell are space potatoes?” he responded, looking utterly lost (which, frankly, was not difficult for a person who at one point proudly posted his IQ of 87 on Facebook…) “You know, space potatoes. They come in a package. You add water. They’re heaven in a pouch.” He kept staring at me with that same stupid expression. “Honey, you’re really stoned. Let’s just go home and order a pizza. My treat.” This was enough to make me snap. “NO FUCKING PIZZA!!! I WANT SPACE POTATOES!!!” I bellowed with a demonic savagery only heard in the blackest of metal songs. Suddenly, the sweetly stupid look was gone from his face. “Fine. Have your fucking potatoes, if they even exist. I’ll order my own damn pizza.”

So he called and ordered a pizza, then made his sister drive us to pick it up. When we got home, I made the best goddamn instant mashed potatoes of my life and watched Spongebob Squarepants while he sadly ate his cheese pizza and prayed for my eternal soul.

Friday Five – July 5th, 2013

This week’s Friday Five:

 

  1. What song, album, or artist, disliked by you in high school, now sounds pretty good? I honestly can’t think of any. My musical taste has always been really eclectic, and hasn’t changed much.
  2. What specific high-school memory do you have of discovering some song, album, or artist you considered old? I grew up on “old” music… but the boy I was head over heels for in Grade 12 made me look at Led Zeppelin IV in a completely different manner.
  3. What song or album best serves as the soundtrack for your senior year of high school? (bonus challenge: answer this question with a different song or album for each year of high school!) Grade Eight: Americana – The Offspring      Grade Nine: Hello Nasty – The Beastie Boys      Grade Ten: Issues – KoRn      Grade Eleven: Selftitled – Slipknot       Grade Twelve: … And Out Come The Wolves – Rancid
  4. What’s a song, album, or artist from your high-school years you loved then (and might still love) but have great difficulty listening to now, and what’s the reason? “Stairway To Heaven” hits especially hard… the loss of first real love and memories of The One That Got Away are forever entangled in the lyrics of that song.
  5. What song, album, or artist from your high-school years, seemingly forgotten nowadays, do you still listen to with fondness? I’m not sure if No Use For A Name is considered “seemingly forgotten,” but “For Fiona” always makes my heart swell with happiness.

Blast From The Past

Tonight, I stumbled across a journal from almost 10 years ago, hiding in the back of my closet. I flipped through, remembering people and places, good times, bad times, everything in between.

Then, I found what is, I’m sure, the funniest sentence I have ever written:

 

“…then he said ‘you know, fucking me in the port-a-potty would be sooo punk rock’…”

I have sure known some classy dudes.