Survival.

Some days, when my past feels really hard to deal with, I remind myself that simply getting up and facing the world makes me stronger than I ever thought possible, and gives a giant middle finger to those who have tried to hold me down.

I am not the person I was then. For better, for worse, everything in my life has changed. And that’s okay.

One foot in front of the other. One day at a time. I will make it through. I will survive. I will thrive, despite my demons.

We’ve all been sorry
We’ve all been hurt
But how we survive is what makes us who we are.
– Rise Against

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Music Monday – January 28th, 2013

Dirty Water
– Real Friends

If you wore your personality on your skin
No one would take a second look
You were shallow when we met and you still are
The water won’t be coming down any time soon to change that
The loneliness keeps me warm at night
And that’s okay with me, I’d rather be alone in this bed made for two
Than listen to you and your judgement

Don’t act like you’re better than me
We’re both fools lost in this cold world
You may not fall as much as I do but if I look close enough
I can find the scars on your knees, I can find the bags under your eyes
That carry too much for you to handle

I’m starting to think that you’re the reason why everyone left
So stop pointing your finger
You don’t even really know me, not at all
You don’t even really know me

Don’t act like you’re better than me
We’re both fools lost in this cold world
You may not fall as much as I do but if I look close enough
I can find the scars on your knees, I can find the bags under your eyes
That carry too much for you to handle

I said I’m selfish, I’m a liar and I’m broken
Shit runs through my head everyday that I would never tell anyone

You’re just like me
The only difference is that I’m honest enough to scream my thoughts
In the lines of this song

Clean Slate (Sort Of)

The last few months have been the beginning of a new journey for me. I’ve lived twenty-seven years trying to make people happy, make people like me, and make people value my opinion.

I’m done with that.

I’m not going to shout “FUCK THE WORLD” and dismiss all social conventions (let’s face it: that would be career suicide and I rather enjoy having a home, vehicle and fridge full of food…) but rather, I’m not going to make others happy at the expense of myself.

So that guy who thinks I’m “too rowdy” to hang out with after shows? Fuck him. Not worth my time.

That friend who is only ever interested in talking when she wants to talk about herself? Fuck her. Too much work.

That coworker who likes to pry into my personal life and spread rumours under the guise of being “interested in [my] life”? Fuck ’em. Asshole.

I’m not going to repress myself for the sole purpose of making myself more palatable to the masses. So, yes, that means I will drop my daughter off at her hoity-toity private school in ripped jeans and band t-shirts. Yes, I will colour my hair green if I feel like it. And no, I won’t apologise for offending you by wearing a “Meat is murder” tank top.

It only seems fitting to start over with a new name and new identity. L0vesaidno/”Some Kind of Wonderful” was pretty cutesy, and really fit in with where I was at that point in my life. Now, however, PunkyVeganMama sums me up a whole lot better. And “Chasing Rainbows”? Only one of the best 90’s punk songs ever.

All I want to do is make sure you stop chasing rainbows
Letting everybody crawl inside your heart and mine
Kicking you is easy when you’re down that’s where the weak go
To release their anger on someone who will not try
To stand up, and give them a fight

-No Use For A Name

There really is something to be said for expressing oneself authentically.

Music Monday – November 12, 2012

All Too Well
-Taylor Swift

I walked through the door with you, the air was cold
But something about it felt like home somehow
And I left my scarf there at your sister’s house
And you still got it in your drawer, even now

Oh, your sweet disposition and my wide-eyed gaze
We’re singing in the car getting lost upstate
Autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place
And I can picture it after all these days

And I know it’s long gone
And that magic’s not here no more
And I might be okay
But I’m not fine at all

‘Cause there we are again, on that little town street
You almost ran the red ’cause you were looking over me
Wind in my hair, I was there, I remember it all too well

Photo album on the counter, your cheeks were turning red
You used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin-size bed
Your mother’s telling stories about you on the tee ball team
You tell me about your past, thinking your future was me

And I know it’s long gone
And there’s nothing else I could do
And I forget about you long enough
To forget why I needed to

‘Cause there we are again, in the middle of the night
We’re dancing around the kitchen in the refrigerator light
Down the stairs, I was there, I remember it all too well

And maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much
But maybe this thing was a masterpiece ’til you tore it all up
Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well

And you call me up again just to break me like a promise
So casually cruel in the name of being honest
I’m a crumpled up piece of paper lying here
‘Cause I remember it all, all, all too well

Time won’t fly, it’s like I’m paralyzed by it
I’d like to be my old self again, but I’m still trying to find it
After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own
Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone

But you keep my old scarf from that very first week
‘Cause it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me
You can’t get rid of it ’cause you remember it all too well, yeah

‘Cause there we are again, when I loved you so
Back before you lost the one real thing you’ve ever known
It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well

Wind in my hair, you were there, you remember it all
Down the stairs, you were there, you remember it all
It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well

Music Monday – November 5, 2012

Red
-Taylor Swift

Loving him is like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street
Faster than the wind, passionate as sin, ending so suddenly
Loving him is like trying to change your mind once you’re already flying through the free fall
Like the colors in autumn so bright just before they lose it all

Losing him was blue, like I’d never known
Missing him was dark grey, all alone
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you’ve never met
But loving him was red
Loving him was red

Touching him was like realizing all you ever wanted was right there in front of you
Memorizing him was as easy as knowing all the words to your old favorite song
Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there’s no right answer

Regretting him was like wishing you never found out that love could be that long
Losing him was blue, like I’d never known
Missing him was dark grey, all alone
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met
But loving him was red, oh red, burning red

Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes
Tell myself it’s time now gotta let go
But moving on from him is impossible when I still see it all in my head
in burning red
Burning, it was red

Losing him was blue, like I’d never known
Missing him was dark grey, all alone
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you’ve never met
Cause loving him was red, yeah yeah red, burning red

And that’s why he’s spinning around in my head
Comes back to me in burning red

Loving him is like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street

(This has been stuck in my head for days and reminds me completely of my first love. – T)

Gratitude

but you changed the rules
in an hour or two
and I don’t know what you
and your sisters do
but please don’t
please stop
this is not my obligation
what does my body have to do
with my gratitude?

look at you
little white lying
for the purpose of justifying
what you’re trying to do
I know that you feel my resistance
I know that you heard what I said
otherwise you wouldn’t need the excuse

– Ani DiFranco

Music Monday – March 7, 2011

Song #13

– The Ataris

The time has come to say goodbye
To all our past regrets. I’m sorry to inform you
But I doubt you’ll really ever understand.

Friendships aren’t built on false promises
I’ve failed without defeat.
In this game of disrespect
I’m a victim-a small town tragedy.

Here’s the difference between you and I
I’ll tell the truth and count my blessings
So thanks for all you’ve done
But I won’t let you get the best of me.

You think I’m just a kid but
You don’t fucking get it.
I’m strong in my convictions
And don’t you forget it.

So many things are left unsaid
But I won’t even waste my time
For us to go our separate ways
I hope you miss me when i’m gone.

Friendships aren’t built on false promises.
I’ve failed without defeat.
In this game of disrespect
I’m a victim of small town rivalry.

Farewell to all my friends
With self respect intact.
Nothing will last forever
Never looking back.

End is forever.