The Tale Of The Space Potatoes

I had a massive craving for instant mashed potatoes today. While making said potatoes,  I had the most random memory pop into my head… to the point where it made me cry because I was laughing so hard. So gather round, children, and let me regale you with…

THE TALE OF THE SPACE POTATOES. 

The year is 2004 and I’m 18. I’m engaged to a 25 year old youth pastor. I’m in the middle of my ~*~ReBeLlIoUs~*~ stage, so I rather enjoy drinking and smoking pot at this point. He does not, and it’s a major, reoccurring fight in our relationship.  It is almost my 19th birthday, when I will (legally) be able to buy alcohol, and we are planning a limo trip into the big city for a night of bar-hopping. We have to drop the deposit off in a town about 45 minutes away. I don’t have a vehicle, and he has no license, so his little sister is driving us. She likes smoking pot. Her and I smoke 2 or 3 joints on the way there. He starts asking me what I want for dinner when we get home.

Now, this is where I interject with the seemingly random, but important, detail that my mother calls instant mashed potatoes “space potatoes.”

Back to the story. So, at this moment, in my incredibly high state, all I can think of is motherfucking instant mashed potatoes. So he asks again, “Do you wanna grab pizza or something for dinner?” I’m disgusted by this thought, not because I dislike pizza, but because everything about him seems so abhorrent that I’m automatically turned off every suggestion he makes. (I never said it was a healthy relationship, okay?) So I was like, “NO. FUCK YOUR PIZZA.”  He asks again. “Sweetie, we need to eat when we get home. If you don’t want pizza, what do you want?” I look at him with insatiable cannabis-fueled hunger in my eyes, “I want space potatoes.”

This is the moment I realised that we would never work out.

“Space potatoes? What the hell are space potatoes?” he responded, looking utterly lost (which, frankly, was not difficult for a person who at one point proudly posted his IQ of 87 on Facebook…) “You know, space potatoes. They come in a package. You add water. They’re heaven in a pouch.” He kept staring at me with that same stupid expression. “Honey, you’re really stoned. Let’s just go home and order a pizza. My treat.” This was enough to make me snap. “NO FUCKING PIZZA!!! I WANT SPACE POTATOES!!!” I bellowed with a demonic savagery only heard in the blackest of metal songs. Suddenly, the sweetly stupid look was gone from his face. “Fine. Have your fucking potatoes, if they even exist. I’ll order my own damn pizza.”

So he called and ordered a pizza, then made his sister drive us to pick it up. When we got home, I made the best goddamn instant mashed potatoes of my life and watched Spongebob Squarepants while he sadly ate his cheese pizza and prayed for my eternal soul.

Five Lessons From Today’s Run (and a Wicked Smoothie Recipe)

The weather this weekend was finally conducive to getting out for a real run for the first time this year.

About 5 minutes into the first kilometer, I realised how out of shape I’d let myself get over the winter. Through the next 6km, I let my mind wander (as I love to do while working out) and learned the following 5 things:

  1. Not running during the winter kills me. My time is a full minute and thirty seconds slower than it was last fall. Running in rain and snow isn’t fun, so I’m going to have to come up with a (gasp!) gym plan for next winter. Yuck.
  2. I need to do more yoga. Maybe it’s just my body getting back into a rhythm, but I am sore in places I didn’t know running could affect. My once a week yoga workout is going to have to become a daily, or at least every-other-day thing.
  3. Somehow, Fall Out Boy found their way onto my running playlist. And they need to find their way off of it, right quick. Nothing ruins the mood of a good run like thinking “I hate this song” for 3 1/2 minutes straight. Twice.
  4. My lungs still hurt after a run. Maybe it’ll get better the longer I’m a non-smoker… but as of now, they were equally, if not more, painful compared to when I smoked a pack a day.
  5. There is nothing in the world that feels as amazing as a good workout. Seriously. Nothing.

Following my run, I made my favourite post-run snack:

Banana/Apple/Blackberry Smoothie (with Wheatgrass)
Ingredients:

  • 1/2 banana
  • 1/3 apple (I prefer Gala)
  • 1/4 cup blackberries (I used frozen, fresh are fine as well)
  • 1 oz wheatgrass (Fresh or frozen)
  • 1/4 cup yogurt (I prefer Almande Vanilla)
  • 1/3 tbsp black chia seeds
  • 1/3 tbsp ground flax seed
  • 1/3 tbsp hulled hemp seeds

Directions:

1. Chop up banana and apple into blender-friendly pieces. (My blender is old, so I make sure everything is in small chunks. If you have a Vitamix or equivalent, feel free to skip this step!)


2. Add blackberries and wheatgrass to blender containing apple and banana.



3. Add yogurt to blender.



4. Add seeds. (I keep a 1:1:1 mix of chia, flax and hemp seeds pre-mixed in the cupboard so it’s just a one tbsp scoop.)


5. Blend well.

6. Enjoy!

I generally keep a bunch of pre-made smoothie packs in the freezer so when I’m in a rush, I can just dump one in the blender, throw in the yogurt and seeds, blend and go. 🙂

Adventures in Baking – Vegan Applesauce Raisin Cookies

This being my last few days of freedom (I’m back to work on the 7th), Kiddo and I decided to bake some super easy, super tasty, super vegan cookies!

Ingredients:

  • 3/4 c vegan margarine (I prefer Becel to Earth Balance)
  • 1 c brown sugar
  • 1/4 c applesauce (or the equivalent of one egg via your favourite egg replacer)
  • 1/2 c applesauce
  • 2 1/4 c flour
  • 1/2 tsp baking soda
  • 1/2 tsp salt
  • 3/4 tsp cinnamon
  • 1/4 tsp ground cloves
  • 1 c raisins
  • 1/2 c nuts of your choice (I prefer walnuts for this recipe)

Directions:
1. Preheat oven to 375̊ F.

2. Combine margarine, sugar and egg equivalent thoroughly.



3. Mix in applesauce.

4. Add flour, baking soda, salt, cinnamon, cloves, raisins and nuts.



5. Drop dough onto greased (I prefer silicone lined) baking sheet. Remember that licking the beaters is the best part!


6. Bake 10-12 minutes, until lightly browned.

Makes about 30 cookies. (We *may* have dipped into these before they were all baked!)