Untitled – January 5th, 2014

Your hand reached into my chest long before I noticed your grip on my heart. I’ve been hurt so many times before; I never wanted to trust you. Yet, somehow, that beautiful smile and those honest eyes made me believe. When I told you my darkest secrets, you held me close and whispered in my ear that the worst was over and that I would be okay. And I believed you. When I finally gathered my courage and told you that I love you, you said it back, then kissed me and told me you’d been waiting for me to say it. You never gave me any reason to doubt you, yet the back of my mind always prickled with a sense of caution in regards to her. One cold January day, my intuition lead me to a place I didn’t want to go. It was then that I noticed how your fingers had encased my heart, how the very essence of you was coursing through my veins. I cannot unsee what I have seen. I do not know if you will pull when called out; if you will rip my heart out like so many have before. Scar tissue does feel pain, you know. But unlike the others, you have become a part of me. Though you may move on, I will never truly be able to be rid of you. Every time I feel throbbing in the empty hole where my heart once was, I will think of you. Every time you cross my mind, I will weep as only one who has lost a love like ours can. One day, the pain will become nothing but a dull roar, a manageable yet chronic ache that I will be able to cope with. But you will never be gone. Your soul is forged with mine, and I will never be free of that chain.

Doubt.

Some days, it’s just hard – hard to get up, hard to put a smile on, hard to do the day to day things that everyone takes for granted. Some days, I doubt everything that I am and everything that I do. Today is one of those days.

I feel unworthy. I feel like I’m not pretty enough, not funny enough, not smart enough… not anything enough. I feel needy and overly emotional and like I need a giant hug. Of course, for the next eleven hours, I’m sitting in an office full of people who really couldn’t care less how I feel, and then I have an hour and a half drive before I can even get a hug.

I don’t want to be that girl who always questions, and Jedi has given me no reason to doubt his sincerity. However, I just can’t shake this feeling that I’m not enough. I feel that everything in my life has more or less fallen into place and because I have done nothing to deserve it, it’s all going to blow up in my face.  Logically, I know I’m being irrational, and that – Que sera, sera – whatever will be, will be. But I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m waiting for the bad news, the pain, the heartache… because that’s what I know.

I don’t want this to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I hate having so much negativity floating around me. But right now, I just want someone to tell me it’s all going to be okay.