Sitting in your car by the ocean
You were so nervous
And you burnt your mouth on peppermint tea in an attempt to be smooth.
We laughed till we cried and I couldn’t remember
The last time I had felt so at ease.
I couldn’t stop my gaze from resting
On your beautifully imperfect incisors
Framed by rotund lips of velvet, I yearned to feel
Your breath on my cheek.
Your abrupt departure shook me
Until your clarifying text
“I’m getting sick – that’s why I left.
I would like to see you again.”
And when I woke the next day to see
The rose you picked, sitting on my dresser
I couldn’t help but smile.
© T. Kalau 2013
I’m bad at dating.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m good at relationships… but the whole getting-to-know-each-other and the vague what-is-going-on-here that follows? Not my forte. I like absolutes, I like definites, I like black and white and not a hint of grey, and that just doesn’t happen with dating.
I end up overthinking and questioning and generally just being a neurotic mess, because I don’t do things half-assed. Either I like you, or I don’t. And if I like you, I’m all in.
Of course, this generally makes me come across as overzealous or neurotic, or, when I don’t like people, a cold hearted bitch. Moderation is not my strong point. It’s very obvious how I feel about people. However, I’m also shy and terrified of rejection. The end result is me wearing my heart on my sleeve, but not doing a damn thing about it until the other person makes a move.
So there’s this guy. He made the first move. And the second move. And the third. And now I have it bad for him with no clue as to if he’s on the same page. Did I mention he’s out of the country for a week? And that I’m in the midst of moving? My brain feels like it’s about to explode with frustration.
I’m pretty sure, if all my old journals weren’t already packed, that with a few minor changes, I could dredge up a hundred other times I have said this same schtick since I first started the ritual of courtship. Is it going to change? Probably not. Do I want it to? Not really. I’m a passionate person, and that means I can’t hide what I think and feel. One day, somebody is going to get that, and I won’t live in the land of maybes and what-ifs and does-he-like-mes.
Until then, though, I’m going to hide in my blanket fort and watch PowerPuff Girls while I wait for him to text.
What’s been going on in my life lately…
- I move into my new house in T-minus 8 days!!
- Baby girl receives the “Most Helpful Primary Student” award for the second year in a row on June 13th
- I am only about 45% packed and starting to stress.
- My officemate was promoted and moved to his own office. The perk of this is that I, too, now have my own office.
- I quit drinking 157 days ago and quit smoking 103 days ago
- Due to some creative budgeting over the past month or so, I have been able to boost the down payment on my house to the full 10%, which saves me almost $400/month on my mortgage and will help me pay it off about 5 years earlier.
- I may have met a guy… and may be incredibly nervous about a first date tonight…
Hopefully, things will get back to normal relatively soon after moving day, and I will actually be able to make real entries on a regular basis again!